


The Physician from the Black Lagoon

by Emachinescat



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Parody, Teacher of the Black Lagoon - Mike Thalor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-28
Updated: 2010-10-28
Packaged: 2018-01-14 10:49:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1263502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emachinescat/pseuds/Emachinescat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Merlin's first day in Camelot and he's heard all kinds of scary rumors about the court physician he's going to live with. Terrified, he dreams that Gaius is a scaly, brain-eating monster. Parody of Mike Thalor's Teacher of the Black Lagoon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Physician from the Black Lagoon

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own, for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Enjoy :)

My name is Merlin, and I am moving to Camelot today.

I've heard that I am going to be living with Gaius, the physician and I have never been more frightened in my life.

I've heard stories about this so-called doctor, stories that chill my bones. I've been walking all day and it's very hot. I am nearly in Camelot. I think I'll take a quick nap under this apple tree before I enter the city and go to my doom.

Gaius is an old man, older than time some people say. You don't ask him how old he is, though. There was a knight named Sir Roderick who decided to inquire as to the physician's true age. Some people found it odd that Roderick never came out of the physician's chambers, but even if they do, there's no way they'll mention anything. They don't want to be the next to disappear.

I'll bet he has long, gnarled fingers that extend into claws, and beady little eyes—lots of them, so that he can glare at you from all angles!—that swivel in different directions. He's probably even got a pair of them on the back of his head!

He'll have scaly skin, rotten and pruning with age. It'll be a sick yellow hue and bits of it will flake off every time he moves—that's why he has to have an assistant, so he'll have someone to sweep up the bits of skin that fall off his aging arms. His last assistant probably didn't last long because he probably missed a spot on the floor. I'll bet he and Sir Roderick met each other in the next life.

I hope he doesn't appoint  _me_ as his next assistant. I really don't have any desire to meet the previous assistants  _or_ Sir Roderick, thank you very much!

He's got long, greasy hair, I bet, that looks like snakes—like Medusa. Each strand of hair will hiss and writhe to some sickly music only it can hear. He calls his snakes "my pets" and he feeds them live mice at every meal. When you make him mad (which is easy to do), he'll set one of the hair-serpents on you and even if the poison doesn't kill you, you'll wish you were dead because of the pain.

And don't even get me started on his "remedies"! No one wants to take them; he just forces them down your throat at any mention of an injury or sickness. That's why all the knights, nobles, and peasants are terrified of getting sick because they know Gaius will tie them down to a bed with his long, octopus-like arms and tell them if they don't drink their medicine, he'll eat their brains.

His teeth are sharp and venomous and he has a long, forked tongue. His feet have talons and his nose is keen enough to smell weakness from miles away.

I  _really_ don't want to meet this physician.

I wake up with the sun shining cheerily down on me, and that only makes things worse. How can the day be so beautiful when I am about to trudge to my doom?

My heart is pounding faster than I ever thought possible and my hands are shaking as I slowly force myself to approach the court physician's chambers. My palms are sweaty and my ears are tingling, and my nose is itching something fierce. My eye twitches.

I reach the door and I hear strange noises from inside. Shuffling, clinking, groaning.

I want to run for my life.

Instead, I force myself to open the door—I guess I'll be meeting Sir Roderick fairly soon.

I'm shocked at what I see.

Gaius is certainly old, but he doesn't look a thing like the monster I thought he'd be. Instead, he has normal skin (although more wrinkly than any I've ever seen), only two eyes (one lazier than the other) that are filled with gentleness and care, and his hair is plain and silver from old age. He smiles and his teeth are normal and small—no fangs! His tongue isn't forked as he looks me over and says with a grin, "Well, you must be Merlin! It's good to meet you, my boy."

He pats me on the back and his touch doesn't kill me.

I smile and relax.

Maybe next time I won't let my imagination run away from me. There are probably no creatures from the Black Lagoon in Camelot.

I won't be so silly when I'm waiting to meet the king. Surely all the rumors I've heard about him are wrong—that he'll kill you if you give him the slightest inkling that you have magic, that he likes to burn people at the stake and chop off heads.

After all, Gaius wasn't what I thought he'd be.


End file.
